The God Who Grieves: Blessed are Those Who Mourn


Some dear friends from my church are going through quite the storm right now, as their little one arrived a month early and with life-threatening medical conditions. Lennon Joel Myers is critical, but stable. His name and precious little face have been on my heart for months. They knew fairly early in the pregnancy that he would be fighting for his life, and they knew it well, as they’ve previously lost a child to this same condition: renal agenesis (his kidneys failed to develop). He also has a hole in each lung, and both are collapsed. I see pictures on Facebook of this beautiful child, loved beyond words by so many.

Every time they come to mind, so selfishly I ask God to spare my family such difficulty. I feel shamefully blessed as I look at my perfectly healthy children and think, Thank God that’s not us. I hate to admit that, but there it is. Continue reading

The Broken and the Beautiful

In 1983, when my mom found out she was pregnant, the decision to keep the baby or not was not an easy one. A close relative was the first to suggest she abort and move on with her life, and my mom’s boyfriend said he’d go along with whatever she decided. She was 19. She was pro-choice. She was unwed. She was a college student working at a fast food restaurant… and she was a woman with a strong heart. She decided to keep the baby. My mom and dad got married, and I was born that October. They had no idea before my birth that I had any disability, and due to the rarity of the defect, the doctors had no idea what they were dealing with. I had “stork bites” (blood vessels close to the surface) on my face, and those combined with the disfigurement of my arms caused the doctors to give my young parents the grim diagnosis: I was blind, mentally challenged, I would never walk or be independent, the list went on. We’re not sure what all they said, because my mom says she just sort of tuned out at a certain point. Understandable. Continue reading

Gratitude in the darkness

Sadly, I’ve become one of those people for whom the holidays hurt. I guess I should feel lucky I have had almost thirty holiday seasons that were unmarred. Maybe reaching this point is inevitable? Maybe as we grow and learn more about people, more about ourselves, the uncomplicated becomes the complex. Maybe gratitude can be hard work. Maybe you know what I mean. Continue reading

When Life Gives You Ramen

I’ve retreated here, to my quiet office, in an attempt to work through this anxiety. I know God has blessed me. I know I have so much to be thankful for. And yet…

I don’t believe I’m greedy (but then, what greedy person does?). I am pretty good at being content with life as it is. But right now it’s just hard. I stay home with our son, and soon, our daughter too. I stay home and I am also the one who balances the checkbook. Being a stay-at-home mom is a sacrifice, financially speaking, and sometimes I wonder how we do it. I wonder how we’ll have what we need when we need it. I wonder if I’m making a mistake staying home. Continue reading

Prenatal Depression – Goodbye to My Perfect Days

“I wish I wasn’t pregnant.” I blurted it out to Adam after weeks of unknowingly being crushed under the weight of prenatal depression. The house was in shambles. I barely moved from the couch due to the nausea and exhaustion. My clothes were uncomfortable and I couldn’t sleep and I was short-tempered with my three-year-old.

This second baby is due within weeks of my book launch. Was I shooting myself in the foot, career wise? Life had just started to feel perfect, with my little boy growing more independent, and my writing and speaking giving me a sense of purpose and destiny.

And then, in the middle of my contentment, the positive pregnancy test we’d been dying to see. We conceived, and a couple months later, there I lay miserable on the couch for yet another day. I felt my perfect days slipping away. Continue reading