I’ve retreated here, to my quiet office, in an attempt to work through this anxiety. I know God has blessed me. I know I have so much to be thankful for. And yet…
I don’t believe I’m greedy (but then, what greedy person does?). I am pretty good at being content with life as it is. But right now it’s just hard. I stay home with our son, and soon, our daughter too. I stay home and I am also the one who balances the checkbook. Being a stay-at-home mom is a sacrifice, financially speaking, and sometimes I wonder how we do it. I wonder how we’ll have what we need when we need it. I wonder if I’m making a mistake staying home. I wonder. I cry. I pray. I write.
But after all that wondering and crying and praying and writing, I leave my office retreat, and here we are. Still scraping by. It wears on you, you know? It’s exhausting. And when I’m really craving ice cream but all we have is hot dogs… well, it’s infuriating.
But, I have a suspicion that these are the “good ‘ol days” I’ll reminisce about in my golden years. These messy days of sleeplessness and uncertainty and of hope for something better… these days are precious, and fleeting.
Life right now is not terribly complicated, it’s just hard. It’s a struggle. But I know it’s only through struggle that we grow. We become stronger. We move on.
I will not always be in this place, and despite its stresses, I know I will remember it fondly, with a smile and probably a chuckle.
God, help me just to be in this place. Even as I walk through the valley of the shadow of Ramen, You are with me. You are in this mess. You are making something beautiful. Help me to eat my Ramen and trust.